I'm Sorry.

To the one who I've lost.. temporarily. God will bring us back together.

I sit here at 2 in the morning searching for the perfect words for a simple, long due apology. I went through eighteen years of my life knowing the utmost intimate details about your life and just by a quick snap of the fingers, that knowledge, that relationship, that itimacy we shared simply departed from us. The pain I went through was almost unbearable. I never cried over you; I never could.. Hope hung onto me almost as thin as a piece of string. I'm still hanging onto the littlest piece of hope I can hang onto only because of God's promise to me; His promise to bring you back to Him. I could care less if you ever want to talk to me again, I want you to be happy in Christ. I want you to serve Him again just like you did before. I saw & experience your fire. Never for a second did I doubt your belief in Him, you loved Him, you served Him. You were the most unselfish person I knew when it came to money.. Each Gathering you would give, sometimes even hundreds of dollars for the different ministries you served. You are such a huge part of my life and I never imagined ever losing you the way it happened. I guess there's a big part of me that doesn't want to say sorry because I've felt as though I've done nothing wrong. But because of that attitude I have is why we haven't spoken for almost nine whole months. It hurts me, because out of everyone, I expected you to be there. I expected you to keep on keeping on, to serve, to not disappoint, to be strong, to be courageous.. to be that person I once thought I knew. Our relationship has transpired into something that I can't even recognize anymore... I don't know you anymore and that is what hurts me the most. The person I've known for eighteen years is somebody new, somebody cold. There is no more warmth in your voice, no more kindness in your eyes. You're different.. you're hurt.. you're angry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for the pride that still lurks in my being. I'm sorry for not doing enough. I'm sorry for not praying enough. I'm so sorry for not being accountable to you.

I'm sorry for letting my emotions take over.
I'm sorry for being scared.

Please know that you are in my prayers. Please know that I think about you each & every single day. Please know that I long to talk to you.. to have those meaningful conversations we once use to have.

Please know that I love you, Neil.

I

tired&walls.

"i want to be free of you.. the way you, obviously are free of me."

walls;
What do walls mean to me? Nothing. I’ll smash them down, I’ll break through them, I’ll climb over them. I’ll get to know the real you, the you that you hide, the you that you are scared to show the world. Well, I’m not the world, so there’s no need to put up walls that won’t stop me. I’ll burn through every mask, I’ll light up every dark place, I’ll give meaning to everything that you thought was pointless. Just watch, I’ll become the one person who knows you better than everyone else, and I’ll make it look easy.