the old is back... again

I need to make some changes.

I've developed a habit: lying. And slowly but surely it has begun to take over every aspect of my life. It is a habit that I find so burdensome and difficult to break. Each day I experience the feeling of making the same mistake that I've been trying so hard to avoid. Each day I watch myself fall into the same trap over and over again, finding it so much harder than the last time to do the right thing. My constant habit of lying has gotten me nowhere; rather than taking the weight off my chest, i feel that even more and more burden continue to pile up. I am constantly feeling uneasy and I am constantly carrying the guilt around with me. But I'm better than that right? Of course I'm better than that... or am I?

There is absolutely no reasonable excuse for my lies. But there is my one almost logical explanation and cause for why I continue to lie: I'm scared. I'm scared of the consequences that I must come face to face with for telling the truth. I'm scared hah, actually more terrified of the truth itself. I find it easier to lie about something rather than to tell the actual facts. I lie because I cannot be the bigger person God wants me to be. I cannot accept what would happen if I told the truth. I lie because I am ignorant and cannot- no, would not accept the punishment of my own faults.

I lie because I'm afraid of telling the truth-afraid of what might really be if the truth were to be revealed.